Single Parent vs Solo Parent
Since becoming a widower with children, I had identified myself as a single parent. After hearing the term “Solo Parent”, I’ve changed the way I see myself and the way I parent. For me, this term best describes my widower’s circumstance. Here’s why.
The term “Solo Parent” means that you have 100% sole responsibility for every aspect of your family unit. There is no support simply because, your spouse is deceased. On occasion, you may get outside help from friends and extended family, but there are many circumstances that you will handle alone.
You must develop the capacity to learn how to navigate all the challenges that parenting brings, completely alone, filling the roles of two parents, which must be done with warmth, care, trust, and patience.
This differs from single parenting because there is still potential for co-parenting. Even if the single parent does not get voluntary support from the other parent, they have the option of pursuing legal avenues to get help. A solo parent does not have that option. Solo parents must manage several situations alone and become knowledgeable of every part, gender disparities aside. You know must handle everything, including the things that used to be handled by the now-deceased spouse.
This goes beyond learning to address car maintenance, taxes, and fixing things around the home. A solo parent must learn to work with their children without spousal backup support. I remember when my wife was alive, we handled any issue involving our children, alleviating most of the pressure. I was the hammer, and my wife was the feather. That routine worked for the most part. I have two daughters, and when my wife died, I had to learn how to be a 100 percent entity to two girls. I was the one who had to learn to braid hair, teach, and navigate menstrual cycles (thank goodness, they were sisters so that they could rely on each other for genuinely personal things).
I had to learn how to set boundaries around appropriate fashions. I had to tell them “No” to certain outfits tactfully and could not fly off the handle when they came out in something I considered inappropriate. I had to deal with the boyfriend issues and learned how to deal with teenage female hormones. In my opinion, a solo parent who also must manage opposite-gender matters is a true hero. Parenting is hard, and parenting the opposite gender only further muddies the water, but solo parenting is harsh!
The challenges are unique whether you raise boys or girls as a solo parent. Like men raising girls, women raising boys must contend with a cadre of issues, ranging from the raging hormones of teenage sons to having that talk about the birds and the bees. Women seem to be restricted by society much more than men when it comes to the dos and don’ts of parenting. It takes a powerful woman to raise children of any gender as a solo parent, but unfortunately, women are held under a more strict microscope it seems.
Parenting by yourself is a challenge, be it single from death or divorce. This is not to say that single parents have it easier than solo parents because each comes with their own challenges, but as the unique challenges that come with solo parenting force an adaptation with a steep learning curve.
As a solo parent, I face issues that I cannot seek much outside support due to having to always keep my children’s feelings and circumstances at the forefront of my parenting. Problems that are personal, such as menstrual cycles, relationship issues, and other aspects of their growth, must be lightly tip-toed and navigated patiently by me alone. I can no longer reach out to their mother for help.
Parenting alone is no cakewalk, but it makes that walk much more treacherous when you are, indeed, the only one performing it. These and many other realities make solo parenting different from single parenting.
One positive take away of solo parenting is the rewarding feeling you get when your children are successful. Whether it be milestones, or accomplishments, you know that your strength and ability is responsible for helping guide them through.