How Not to Help: Common Mistakes in Grief Support and How to Avoid Them
Grieving is a profoundly personal experience that can leave individuals feeling vulnerable and isolated. While friends and family often want to provide comfort, their well-intentioned actions can sometimes inadvertently cause more harm than good. Here’s a guide on what not to do ‘ supporting someone who is grieving.
Avoid Clichés and Platitudes
It's hard to know what to say, and we certainly mean well by offering what we feel are words of comfort. In reality, these empty phrases do more harm than good.
Statements like "They're in a better place," "Everything happens for a reason," or "Time heals all wounds" are meant to be comforting, but they can feel dismissive. Such phrases may minimize the griever's pain and imply that they should quickly overcome their sorrow. Instead, acknowledge their pain and express your genuine sympathy.
you can say things like: “There are no words", “I'm so sorry you are hurting", “May I sit with you?”, or, simply hold space and say nothing at all.
Don’t Rush Their Grief
Grief is like a fingerprint, unique to each person, so the concept of a “finishing line" for grief is moot. Grief has no set timeline. Pressuring someone to "move on" or questioning why they are still grieving after a certain period can be damaging. Everyone processes loss differently, and it’s essential to let them grieve at their own pace. Offer support without imposing expectations on how quickly they should recover.
Simply asking “How are you right now?” is a small but intentional effort to provide space for the grieving to be authentic with their current state of mind.
Also, just holding space and allowing them to cry or be emotional if needed is paramount in healing.
Steer Clear of Comparisons
We often find ourselves using personal anecdotes to create a sense of shared experiences. In grief, this phenomenon is known as “re-grief" and actually can further isolate the griever.
Saying things like "I know exactly how you feel" can be counterproductive, even if you’ve experienced a similar loss. Each person’s grief is unique, and such comparisons can make the bereaved feel misunderstood. Instead, listen to their feelings and acknowledge their unique experience.
Don’t Make It About You
In conjunction with the last point, taking the opportunity to interject your loss story when someone else is seeking grief support is actually more harmful than helpful. We instinctively think that by sharing relatable experiences, it will help create a sense of community. While is can in the right setting, using this practice as your default will ultimately create feelings of invalidation and invisibility for those in grief. Avoid dominating the conversation with your story. Saying things like “when my (insert experience here) died, I….." is jarring and can be upsetting.
The focus should be on the grieving person’s feelings and experiences, not on your own past grief. Offer a listening ear and be present for them.
Avoid Giving Unsolicited Advice
You wouldn't want someone to tell you how to feel or what you were thinking, so why would you instruct someone on how to properly grieve? Telling someone how they should handle their grief—whether it’s suggesting they stay busy, see a therapist, or follow a specific coping mechanism—can feel intrusive and presumptuous. If they ask for advice, provide it thoughtfully, but primarily, be there to listen and support their choices.
I like to simply ask: “Would you like advice, or just support?”
Don’t Disappear
Grief is uncomfortable and sometimes, people shy away from those who are grieving because they don't know how to act or what to say. This withdrawal can make the bereaved feel more isolated. Even if you don’t know what to say, your presence and willingness to listen are incredibly valuable.
Use your calendar app! Put a reminder in your phone to reach out every couple of weeks. This simple gesture reminds the griever that they're not alone. Support typically drops off around 3 months post loss.
Avoid Judgment
Refrain from judging how someone is grieving. This includes to their face and behind their backs. Whether they express their emotions openly or seem stoic, don’t critique their way of handling grief. People cope in various ways, and your role is to support them without judgment.
If you find yourself in a judgemental frame of mind, challenge yourself to shift your thinking. Reflect on your personal biases and experiences to understand where the judgement is stemming from.
Don’t Ignore Milestones and Anniversaries
Ignoring important dates related to the deceased, like birthdays or anniversaries, can be hurtful. These occasions can be especially challenging for the grieving person. Acknowledge these dates with a simple message or gesture to show you remember and care.
Use your calendar! make note of birthdays, anniversaries, death dates, and other days that hold personal meaning to the griever, Sending notes, flowers, or even a simple text message can remind the griever that they are not alone in remembering their loved one.
Invite the griever to attend event, parties, and outings. They may decline or “no-call/ no-show", but remind them that is ok to do. You can also provide an “exit strategy”; let them know it's ok to arrive late or leave early if they need.
Don’t Forget Practical Help
Sometimes, people offer vague support, like "Let me know if you need anything." Instead, offer specific help—cooking meals, running errands, or assisting with household tasks. Concrete offers of help are often more useful and less burdensome for the grieving person to respond to.
Simple actions could look like:
“I'm going to the grocery store, send me your list and i'll drop it off on my way home"
“I'd like to pick the kids up from school and take them to the playground for a bit tomorrow, would that be ok?”
“I've got time to come over and help clean this weekend, which day is better and is there anything you don't want me to touch?”
“I'd love to grab lunch/coffee with you, if you're up for it. I'm at (insert location), join me if you're free. Totally ok if not”.
“Do you need help with yardwork? I'm free next Saturday and can come by".
“spouse and I were invited to (insert event), We would love for you to join us!
“i dropped fixings for dinner for you off. The bag is on the porch".